This new shiny life.

My sister-in-law just wrote this, and I love it so much. It reflects almost exactly what I’ve been feeling the past few weeks. There’s been a disconnect, a shift in power in my life. I’m not even sure when the shift took place or even if there is one moment where everything changed.

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In January, we took family photos. I made a big huge canvas of it, and hung it up, and something about it bugged me. The person in that photo didn’t look like me. Well obviously, it was me, but I looked wooden. I was smiling, a falsehood in print.

I took it down. I put it in the garage. It has sat there for months, and I can’t put it back up. I see that photo and I see this old me that clung too tightly to things she didn’t care about. I was clinging to marriage, to friendships that I felt I needed, to a house that was too big and too filled with things, and to a church that I couldn’t embrace completely.

Now I know what I care about, and I can tell you what those things are. I care about my daughters. I want them to have nice things, to enjoy life, and I care very much that they know I care about them. I have dispensed more random “I love you’s” and more out-of-nowhere compliments to these two sassy little girls. I embrace one’s exuberance about life and the other’s generally sad disposition. And I just love the heck out of them.

I care about my husband. I have struggled with this, and I feel bad for struggling with this. But I care deeply about this person who has stuck with me through anxiety and depression, and my anger towards the church that he still loves. I like to think that he must have known there is something good under all of my anger and sadness, hopeful that I would peel it all back and start to care again. I don’t know if he actually knew that, but he stuck around until it happened, and I like that a lot.

 

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I took this photo more recently. It’s flawed in its own way, but in the way that’s most important, I love it. I love that this looks like me. And I love that I know what “me” looks and feels like now.

So that’s where I’m at. I miss old friends and I miss seeing my therapist, and I suppose one day I’ll see those old friends and wonder what happened. I suppose one day I’ll have a breakdown and sit crying in my therapist’s office, begging him to tell me what to do. That kind of thing is inevitable. But for now, I don’t need it, because for right now, I feel capable of caring about things and people. Life is bright and shiny and new.

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One thought on “This new shiny life.

  1. mayhemkm says:

    I’m glad you’re happy. That’s what I want for you. I like you and I think you’re great. I’m excited for all of the mini shampoos you’re going to start giving me now.

    Like

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